Something for the Weakened

Archive for June, 2014

Note to Self #4348

June 17th, 2014 by Alastair

Stop using the word ‘jinkies’ to express surprise.

a) You are not Velma and

b) You’re accent makes it sound as if you’re making unpleasant comments about the Chinese peoples.

Everything Under A Pound

June 16th, 2014 by Alastair

The following was commissioned by dear chum Paul for the magazine Ferment, which he edited. It’s been defunct for a couple of years now and the issue where this saw print sold out even further back into the mists of time. Every issue of the magazine featured poems, art and prose, gathered together under a theme. This issue’s theme was food. I did receive a missive from the person who did the accompanying illustration for the following and would link to them now if I had it or the physical magazine to hand. They spoilt what there is of a twist in these six and a half hundred words anyway, so no publicity for them. So, unless you bought a copy of the magazine (you didn’t), edited it, contributed to it or keep stealing my hard drive, it’s unlikely you’ll have read this. Unless I put it up a year and a half ago and forgot, in which case you’ve just read tis lovely new preface. Lucky old you. Right, please try and enjoy Everything Under A Pound.

Tastiest thing I ever et? Musta been, what, five year back now. I was livin’ wit’ this real fine bitch. Much older ‘n me, but treated me real good. Always givin’ me steak, chicken, always cooked up real tasty. Man, she could cook. Real rich stuff. Some days it messed up my stomach somethin’ chronic, but I din’t mind an’ nor did she. Always happy to clean up after me, no matter what sorta shit I done. Real homemaker. Plus, we got on real well, know whum sayin’? I be all over her and she be all like “Dog, you good, you good boy,” or some shit. We got on real well. Always goin’ on these long walks ‘round the park, her showin’ me off ta ev’rybody. Life was pretty sweet, I c’n tell ya.

Things got sour though. Food started comin’ straight outta cans. The walks got shorter an’ shorter. Then I started smellin’ somethin’ on her. Couldn’ figure out what it was at first, ‘til we was in bed one night. I was layin’ next ta her when I figured out what this smell was. It was a man. Most times my musk was all I got when I sniffed her, but that night I got a real nose full. Course, I freaked out! I was leapin’ round that bedroom, tryna tell her how pissed I was, but she wan’t havin’ none of it. Laughin’ at me, actin’ like she din’t unnerstand what she done. She walks out the room, tells me to come wit’ her. I was so steamed that I was outta there like a bullet. Ploughed straight inta her at the top o’ the stairs. Tha’s when she fell.

I ran down ta the bottom, see if she was okay, but she wan’t movin’. Tried ev’rything I could, but she wan’t goin’ nowhere. In the end I just lied there, nuzzlin’ up to her, whimperin’. Next mornin’ I tried getting’ outta there, but it wan’t happ’nin’. Ev’rythin’ was locked up. Went round the place, musta bin a hundred times, tryna find a way out, but jus’ couldn’. Few days passed. I bin howlin’ all day an’ all night, hopin’ someone’d come help me, but no one did. Musta been the fifth day when it got too much fer me. I ain’t no chef an’ far as I could see there weren’t no food in the kitchen. I was so damned hungry. I din’t have no choice.

Musta bin five, six nights after that when the men come. Busted in the door, shoutin’ ‘n’ yellin’. I was pretty weak then, but I got myself up and went ta see ‘em. Ta thank ‘em. Ta get me some sunshine. Some o’ them were damned near pukin’ at the smell, but they seemed happy ta see me. Weren’t so happy when they seed what I bin eatin’. They all start tryin’ ta corner me, tryin’ ta wrap me up in chains, y’know? Tha’s when I smelt it again. Same smell she had on her that night she fell. Wha’ could I do? Always acted on instinct before, it wan’t gonna be any different then. I jumped at him wit’ all the strength left in me and sunk my teeth into the nearest bit o’ flesh I could find.

Tha’s what got me here. Lethal injection ‘n’ a shallow Battersea grave. Tha’s no way ta go fer a best in show. Some nights I wonder if I shoulda bit the man, if he was the one she’d bin cheatin’ on me with. I still dunno, but boy, his balls sure were the sweetest meats I ever did taste.