Something for the Weakened

Archive for February, 2011

A Rustle From The Cupboard

February 20th, 2011 by Alastair

There’s been a CDR with no writing on it floating around my CDR pile for a few years now (the pile is fairly large due to my still not possessing any kind of mp3 player or trusting the memory of the aged piece of kack that I’m typing this into). I had assumed that it was some sort of compilation that I’d been given or made myself and had just left it in the ‘Various Artists’ section of the pile (there really are quite a lot of discs in the pile – I’d never find any of them if I didn’t have a system). A few weeks ago I started cataloguing the CDRs (I will confess that this is pretty anal, though as they are all in paper cases it does make it hard to remember everything that’s in the pile. Does that make it a bit less anal? Probably not) and out of curiosity, played the mystery blank disc to see what was actually on it. Rather than the compilation I was expecting, I was instead treated to an hour or so of classic Arthur Russell tracks. Which was a pleasant surprise. I do own an Arthur Russell compilation, but this collection (album? I’m not sure) has next to no overlap with that, so it’s clearly not a copy that I made. Which can only mean that someone gave it to me. Which I have absolutely no recollection of. So, if the disc copier is reading this, may I send some profuse thanks to you (in the assumption that I may not have given them at the time – I genuinely have no idea) and suggest that you please by a permanent marker. It would make my life considerably simpler.

Aww, Sleepy Bill

February 18th, 2011 by Alastair

I keep seeing Sleepy Bill around. More often than not he is napping. Whether or not his name is Bill is something I am happy to remain in the dark about.

I have never spoken to Sleepy Bill, partly because he is normally unconcious when viewed, though mainly due to the fact that I find it far more interesting to leave him as the enigma he truly is. The name I have given him is whole heartedly pinched from Vic Reeves – I think from an episode of The Smell of . . . where it’s possibly delivered to an oversized, stuffed Tweety Pie, though I must admit that I haven’t bothered to check. The reason for my seeing him so regularly is his tendency to sit down on one of the chairs that litter the establishment wherein I earn my crust and doze off, often for what seem to be hours at a time. I don’t believe that he’s homeless – his aroma is unnoticable when I pass by, he always appears relatively well turned out and his apparell seems relatively new and in decent condition. Quite why he spends his days around town, kipping in shops is entirely open to speculation.

I think he might be an Eskimo. Idon’t mean this as a slight to the Eskimo peoples or to Sleepy Bill himself, but he does give off a bit of an Eskimoish vibe. To me anyway. It’s the slightly chubby, mildly oriental face, combined with the massive Parker he’s always using as his indoor sleeping bag. The comparison goes slightly awry when you notice the flip flops, but if he is down from the Tundra, it’s entirely conceivable that he’s finding the tail end of a British winter to be absolutely balmy.

As I say, it’s all speculation. And I am very happy for it to remain that way. Catching a glimpse of his little nodding head of an afternoon fills me with an odd sense of warmth, almost to the extent that I want to run over and play with his little chubby cheeks. But of course I never will. It is not the way with the enigma of Sleepy Bill.

Phrases That Pop Into My Head That I Hope Never To Use In Real Life

February 16th, 2011 by Alastair

No. 464 – “Gaping, like the mouth of the Thames.”

Spam Chum

February 15th, 2011 by Alastair

This site doesn’t get masses of spam, but there’s always a slow trickle. Of late it’s mainly either been offering advice on low interest loans or in Russian, a language I’m less than familiar with. I imagine them to be offering loan advice too. Thus I was quite amused when the site asked me to moderate the following comment -

I would have to say my favourite celebrity hotty is Kim Kardashian What do you guys consider her? Kim may be very exotic to me.
Loving
http://www.brightblackcreative.co.uk incidentally, funnest site I’ve uncovered in ages. Any person know the place I can obtain additional photos of her?

It really rather tickled me. I’ve removed the link that was contained in the words Kim Kardashian, as I imagine it to have been harmful. The thing is, I have absolutely no idea who the woman is. Is she massively famous and has somehow failed to encroach on the tiny bubble that is my world? I’m not going to look her up at work, for fear of salacious pictures if she truly is as ‘hot’ as my new best friend seems to imagine. She ‘may be very exotic’, but for now I’m prepared to remain in the dark on this one.

Dissecting and mocking spam. Is this really what it’s come too? Must try harder.

“…a dude.”

February 14th, 2011 by Alastair

I’ve been unable to get that line out of my head all night. Obviously that isn’t all of it, but I can’t quite remember the exact phrasing of what comes before it. Something along the lines of “I too want to be…a dude,” or possibly “Can you show me how to be…a dude?” It’s all in the delivery – John Sparkes trying to mask his Welshness with a dubious Eastern European accent. I’ve spent the past three quarters of an hour trying to locate some trace of the radio show it came from online, eventually concluding that it was called Man of Soup and Sparkes’ involvement is so minor that he isn’t credited on any of the sites mentioning it (though I am near enough certain that it was him). I’d entirely forgotten that Morwenna Banks and Josie Lawrence were involved, as that would have speeded up the process considerably. All I can gether from what I have read is that the show itself was quite weak (quite possible if I can only remember one line from two series) and that it provoked some sort of OfCom investigation over some smut (this too has long since been expunged from my memory). All that I can really remember is Sparkes’ pronounciation of the word “dude.” After just over a decade.

I miss John Sparkes.

An Explanation & Some Sounds

February 4th, 2011 by Alastair

Okay, an explanation for the nonsensical posts below. They were all relating to a compilation I created for some friends. The theme for the comp’ was ‘Very Funny’. I thought that it would be ‘very funny’ if I cut the 80 minutes into 80 single tracks. Funnier still would be hiding a web address somewhere in the packaging that would lead them to a list of where in which track an song actually started. More funny than that would be to have partially inaccurate data and a half hidden link to another list that might provide some more data. This part didn’t work quite as well as I’d hoped. I had an unfinished post about a doctor prodding around my anus (now thankfully lost forever) from a few months ago. This was sacraficed in the assumption that the post would appear under the date I originally began the draft. I also started other drafts between real posts, in the assumption that everything popped up here according to the post number, rather than the date or time it was posted. Sadly, this doesn’t seem to be the case, hence the mass of posts below.

Before slicing the compilation into 80 tracks, I had to string everything all together as one long continuous track. Here it is, if you fancy a listen.

Let’s copy the relevant parts of the brief explanation I stuck up on  Mixcloud in here to save me a bit of time.

When presented with the challenge of creating an 80 minute CD compilation on the theme ‘Very Funny’, the idea of using only tracks that contained laughter seemed like an interesting way to interpret things. As the track listing ran to 80 minutes and 14 seconds, I ended up whacking the lot into Audacity and slicing out the silent seconds so it would all fit on a disc. This is what I ended up with.

That’s it really. Give it a listen if you fancy. I might stick up the artwork I produced for it in the next few days, but don’t hold that breath there sonny. I hope you enjoy. At least parts of it.

What?

My anus?

No, fine really.

They went away in the end.