Something for the Weakened

What’s The Opposite Of ‘Pongs’?

March 3, 2016 by Alastair at 9:54 am

Bought some fabric softener yesterday. A bit leaked out into my bag.

Not a disaster. Now my bag smells quite nice.

Unfortunately my sandwiches taste of lily of the valley.

Tedious Dream Recollection

March 2, 2016 by Alastair at 9:46 am

Last night I dreamt I was buying hardcore pornography from a garage. £11 for a single magazine it was. My subconscious is a right rip off. And it was secondhand too, so God alone knows where it had come from. The guy at the till was of an indeterminate ethnicity, which made me nervous. My subconscious is also mildly racist it transpires. He was vocally very enthusiastic about the purchase I was making. This unsettled me as well, but not for long, as I realised that my parents were still in the car.

Thirty-eight years old, people. Thirty-eight years old.


November 12, 2015 by Alastair at 8:15 pm

I managed to insert the phrase “randy greengrocer” into casual conversation.

I can die happy.

Prime Minister David Cameron Definitely Did Put His Penis Into The Severed Head Of A Pig

September 22, 2015 by Alastair at 5:15 pm

Happy day after St. Piggins Day.

There’s one small group of people I feel sorry for over this whole affair. Not the pig’s family – they’re not people. Can’t you read? Not the PM, obviously, nor his friends, family, constituents, fellow swine inserters or other pals who misconstrued the phrase pork sword. Not even whatever actual relevant news story has been smothered or ‘accidentally’ suppressed by this whole farrago. No, there is one small group who will suffer even more so.

Ladies and gentlemen, please pity the poor unfortunates who have to sift through the open submissions to Newsjack (I’m not going to italicise it, as I still don’t entirely believe it’s a programme). The sheer quantity of crap, bacon based puns those unlucky saps are going to have to sift through over the next week will surely be horrendous. The fact that pretty much none of it will get through compliance due to the higher ups panicking about charter renewal, means that even if there are diamonds amongst the swill, non one will never hear them.

Hats off to them folks.

The poor buggers.

The Woman Who Looks Like John Moloney

September 16, 2015 by Alastair at 12:53 am

You don’t remember what John Moloney looks like.

Google Image him if you’re interested or if your memory doesn’t retain the faces of those who appeared regularly on panel shows at the turn of the century.

But keep your eye out for the woman who looks like him.

She really is the spit.


September 14, 2015 by Alastair at 10:16 pm




No, I’ve got nothing today.

Not that anyone’s looking at this.

Maybe something better tomorrow.


September 13, 2015 by Alastair at 11:08 pm

How about putting on a regular gig night where all the members of every band have to do shots between songs? Would that work? The sight and sounds of a group getting smashed and (presumably) more shambolic over the course of a set seems strangely appealing. But would they want to do it? Would anyone but me want to see it? And why can’t I think of an amusing punning title for such a venture?

Anger Deficiency

September 11, 2015 by Alastair at 5:04 pm

I’m just not narked enough these days. The steady encroachment of middle age; having had the same employer for the best part of two decades; always having enough to eat and a roof over my head. It’s all added up to a all consuming state of apathy. A funk. One which I’m fully aware that I am the only one who can prize myself out of. I’m fully aware of how utterly fucked the world appears to be, but when I awake every morning, brush the hangover from my eyes and look out the window to hear the crickets chirrup and steel myself for another day’s tedium at work, I find it near impossible to summon up the muster to care about much of anything.

And that’s one of the reasons it’s been quiet here.

Let’s see if I can force myself out of my fug and start writing things again.

Pub first though.

It is Friday after all.


September 10, 2015 by Alastair at 11:45 pm

Of late, when indicating that I’m going to turn while cycling, I have been extending my arm (as usual) and pointing downwards.

In the back of my mind I am imagining this make me look a little bit gangsta.

In reality it makes me look a little bit Larry Grayson.


Time to wake up.

Note to Self #4348

June 17, 2014 by Alastair at 1:28 pm

Stop using the word ‘jinkies’ to express surprise.

a) You are not Velma and

b) You’re accent makes it sound as if you’re making unpleasant comments about the Chinese peoples.